The unexpected gifts of an imperfect marriage

A little more affectionate. A little less messy. A little more spontaneous. A little better at knowing what we need without being told.

But maybe the secret to a good marriage isn’t finding someone who meets all our expectations. Maybe it’s discovering what happens when they don’t.

The marriage you brought with you

Most of us enter marriage with a surprisingly detailed set of expectations, many of which we’ve never put into words.

Maybe you grew up in a family where everyone did everything together, so you assume that wanting time together is simply what married people do. Your partner grew up in a family where people showed love by respecting each other’s independence. Neither of you thinks your expectation is unusual. You just think the other person is being difficult. Instead of feeling loved, you both end up a little hurt and alone.

Research suggests that the relationships we grow up with can shape how we experience love as adults. A 2021 systematic review found connections between the quality of early family relationships and how we function in romantic relationships later in life. But our families aren’t our only teachers. Culture, religion, romantic movies, and past relationships all contribute to our ideas about what marriage should look like.

The trouble is that we rarely recognize these expectations as expectations. We experience them as obvious truths about how loving partners behave.

And when our partner doesn’t follow rules we didn’t know we’d written, it can feel surprisingly personal.

The gift of being different

Sometimes the very differences that attracted us to our partners become the things that frustrate us most.

You loved their spontaneity. Now you wish they’d make a plan once in a while. They admired how organized you were. Now they feel like they’re living with an exceptionally attractive project manager.

It’s easy to forget when you’re annoyed: You didn’t fall in love with a copy of yourself.

Relationship researcher John Gottman has found that many disagreements between couples reflect enduring differences in personality, preferences, and needs. In other words, some of the things that frustrate us about our partners may never completely change.

That might sound discouraging, but it can be liberating. We often imagine we’ll be happier once our partner becomes more organized, more affectionate, or more like us. What if our happiness doesn’t depend on that? Accepting our differences, and shifting our attention from what’s missing to what’s good, can open the door to a more satisfying relationship.

Imagine one partner who wants to talk through every feeling and another who needs time to think before speaking. One feels shut out. The other feels overwhelmed. Both wonder why something as simple as a conversation has to be so hard.

But what if neither person is doing it wrong? Over time, the talker might discover that a little silence can be comforting rather than threatening. The quieter partner might learn that sharing what’s happening inside can bring them closer rather than create more conflict.

Neither has to become the other. But both might become a little more flexible, a little more understanding, and a little more connected.

Our differences don’t always feel like gifts. But when we look a little closer, we may discover that they are.

The gift of letting go

Some disappointments run deeper than disagreements about planning vacations or loading the dishwasher.

Perhaps you imagined a partner who would be more emotionally expressive, more affectionate, or more interested in your inner world. Maybe you thought marriage would feel less lonely, or that certain things would get easier with time.

There can be real grief in recognizing that the marriage you imagined may never exist exactly as you pictured it.

But letting go of an idealized marriage can make room for something more meaningful: the chance to know and love another person as they actually are, rather than as we hoped they would be.

This doesn’t mean giving up on important needs or accepting chronic disconnection, disrespect, or a lack of emotional safety. It means learning to distinguish between expectations we can loosen and needs we should continue to take seriously.

Sometimes we need to accept our differences. Sometimes we need to ask for something different. Often, we need a little of both.

Three ways to discover the gifts in your marriage

The marriage you have probably looks a little different from the one you imagined. Some of those differences may be disappointing. Others may turn out to be unexpected gifts.

Perhaps the secret to a good marriage isn’t getting everything we hoped for, but learning to appreciate what we never thought to hope for, and continuing to build something wonderful together.