Hey parents, I have a question for you. Which scenario would elicit a bigger, more energetic response from you?

You are trying to get your two kids out the door and to the library for story time.

1. Your preschooler pulls on her sandals, follows you and the toddler out the door, and climbs into her car seat. OR…
2. Your preschooler yells, “I don’t want to go to the library! I want to watch Bubble Guppies!” and throws her sandals across the room when you hand them to her.

If you are like me, scenario number one hardly registers as an event whereas scenario number two gets my attention and a big reaction immediately!

You might react to the undesirable behavior by telling your preschooler that she won’t get to watch her favorite cartoon for the rest of the week unless she comes with you this instant. Maybe in frustration you say “You’re being very rude! We’re not going to the library for me, this is for you! How about a thank you?” Maybe you grab a handful of M&Ms and say, “When you get in the car, you can have a blue M&M. And if you sit nicely during story time you can have the rest.” Maybe you have an even better strategy to draw compliance from a grumpy preschooler.

All parents find themselves in scenario number two from time to time but we all long for more peace, less drama, and a smoother time when trying to give our children good experiences.

The thing is often we are so much more actively engaged and energetic when our children are challenging us than when they are being compliant and cheerful. This accidently sends the message that if children want to capture our attention the best way to do that is through acting out! We unintentionally reinforce the very behavior we want to eliminate because it is that behavior we are most present for.

When we react to negative behavior in our children disproportionately to positive behavior we are also sending a message to our children that who they are is essentially negative! Children tend to live up to whatever expectation you set for them. Consider these two statements: 1. “Why don’t you and your brother get along better? Stop fighting!” 2. “I love seeing you and your brother have so much fun playing that video game together. You are lucky to have each other!” Probably your kids have moments of fighting and moments of harmony. The first statement communicates that you expect the kids to fight and you don’t like that. The second statement communicates that having a sibling is fun and lucky. Which message would you rather have your children internalize?

Think about your own experiences. When you have a boss who sees and appreciates your positive qualities, you feel like you are succeeding and are motivated to continue doing your best work. When you have a boss who only points out your mistakes and the aspects of the job you haven’t mastered yet, it is harder to feel like you are succeeding and sometimes you lose motivation to do your best work. What kind of a “boss” do you want to be for your children?

The truth is that we all have moments of greatness and moments of weakness. We all want the people we love the most to see our greatness. When parents focus almost exclusively on the moments of weakness we unintentionally send the message that the weakness in our child outweighs the greatness. We may also unintentionally reinforce the negative behavior by giving it our most energetic selves. My advice to parents is to try to minimize your attention to undesired behaviors, provide positive attention and praise for compliance with rules, and help children be successful by responding energetically when they make any movement toward desired behavior.

Parenting Tips:

1. When you are with your children, set an alarm for every 2-3 hours. When the alarm goes off, notice something positive your child is doing (or notice what negative thing she is not doing). Show enthusiastic and sincere appreciation to your child for making such a great choice. This isn’t flattering your child on his achievements (everyone gets a trophy), it is specific praise and appreciation for the child’s prosocial, cooperative character. Make sure the compliment is specific and genuine.
2. Sometimes your child will make poor choices and you must correct that behavior. When you do that, try to be as calm and non-reactive as possible. As soon as your child stops doing the undesirable behavior even for a second or two, turn on the energy and attend to your child with enthusiasm and gratitude.